Worlds Dumbest Sports Stars
Let’s face it, making fun of sportsmen for being dumb is about as fair as making fun of nuclear physicists for their lack of athletic ability. The only difference between the two is that sportsmen have far more media exposure, and are frequently called on to use their brains in front of worldwide television audiences, while nuclear physicists are rarely called upon to run the 100m in 8 seconds or score the winning goal of the FA Cup.
In other words, whilst making fun of sportsmen for their lack of intellect isn’t fair, the very fact that famous sportsmen are so prominent in the media makes it easier. The move towards professionalism hasn’t helped matters either, as sportsmen are no longer required to do anything other than train for their chosen field. The brain, therefore, often falls into disuse, with the following results:
“We’re definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don’t know into which religion.”
It is perhaps inaccurate to say that David Beckham lacks intelligence. One might instead say that David Beckham is so incredibly, supremely intelligent when it comes to making a football do strange things in the air, that the development of this skill has used 100% of his cognitive capacity, and left him with virtually no brain power with which to tackle tasks such as choosing marriage partners and post-match interviews.
Beckham’s finest moment took place at the 1998 FIFA World Cup. Had Beckham been capable of thinking once, let alone twice, he may have decided against fouling Argentina’s Simeone in full view of the referee, thereby earning himself a red card and ultimately costing England a place in the quarterfinals.
“He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a ‘recluse’.”
Boxers are soft targets when it comes to the quest for the dumbest sports stars. A sport where brain damage is a part of life, and often death, is unlikely to be populated by the intellectually gifted. However, there are some boxers whom even other boxers consider dumb, and Mike Tyson is one of them.
Iron Mike wasn’t just dumb enough to choose a career as a professional bully, he was so dumb that he managed to squander the $300 million fortune he had earned as a boxer on nothing in particular. Following his retirement, Tyson decided to change his ways and become a missionary. Two years later, he changed what was left of his mind and decided to become a pimp instead. He is currently on probation.
“I’m just like every other girl who likes to shop, likes to look good, likes to spend time with friends.”
Because becoming a tennis star does require at least a modicum of intelligence, we have to point out that Maria Sharapova was selected by virtue of being the dumbest tennis player relative to her peers. The WTA’s equivalent of Paris Hilton has a perfect body and a perfect volley, has never been required to develop her intellectual skills and therefore hasn’t.
Sharapova compensates for her lack of brainpower by making an effort to be one of the few recognisably female players on the WTA Tour, and is said to have a deep fascination with the profound and complex world of fashion.
“The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that’s the day you start to the top.”
While there are probably dozens of NFL players to pick from when it comes to the quest for the world’s dumbest sportsmen, OJ Simpson is one of the few whose stupidity went beyond tackling 280 pound linebackers with his head for a living, and spilled over into committing felonies as a career.
Simpson has dozens of classically dumb moments to choose from, ranging from killing his wife and then running away from cops when he was ‘innocent’, writing a book on how he killed his wife after being found innocent, to attempting to steal sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel for no reason in particular.
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